Arguements

I've recently had a massive dispute with a friend i used to call my 'bestfriend'... It's sad really... I really hate fighting and confrontation but i guess when you don't feel like your morals of friendship are met, it gets to you... and it got to me... I really like to live my life tryin to not create expectations and obligations to people...it just set you up to be open to getting hurt by people...but as much as i try, if you care alot-you do get hurt..and i guess that is just human nature...

I actually used to get so upset when friends used me, or betrayed me, or just lied and treated me bad..like really pset to the point where i would get depressed and loss sleep and apetite over them...but as much as i have changed now, the old part of me still creeps back in..especially when there is history...

One thing that i am greatful for is the constant reminder of what Jesus christ did for me.. He got tortured and died for my sins just so that i can be forgiven and loved by God... Like it still amazes me as to how couragious and ultimately difficult it must have been for him to die for someone you love... That gives me strength... That alone allows me to be a bigger and more forgiving person because even though i got hurt in the process of the arguement...i should know better because i have God in my life and the other person doesn't...

"Forgive them father for they do not know..."

I used to utter this under my breath alot when people did wrong against me...because ultimately...that person does not know...i can't hold a grudge against that person because at the end of it, the only person i am hurting by doing that is myself...and it is not right to judge people of their actions...

I've gotten to the point in my life where i feel like i don't need that many friends in my life...i don't need to force what is not there... i can stand to have fewer aquaintances and fewer close friends... I know the truth of it is that people come and go from your life and it's no suprise when this should happen..that is life...people die, people change...people make mistakes...I love the Buddist mentality of detaching yourself from everything...to gain enlightenment...for me, the one thing that will never change is the love God has for me...thats one thing that would never change in my eyes...I know everyone of you have different beliefs and thats ok... I am greatful to have learnt and live by this now...I don't care for being judged by my friends and family by this anymore... I ultimately just want peace...

Arguements and disputes are thing that i deteste so much when it happens to me... I pray that it would happen less and less in my life...I'll have faith that that will happen for me...if not maybe i'll become a nun one day ey?? :p well..u never know...

I love you guys and dollz...I just wanted to share my feelings with you because dammit i aint perfect!! :D

xxx